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Are you warm? Are you sitting in your favourite chair with a drink by your side? Is your kitchen filled with the piping hot aroma of good food? Is your pulse gently quickened by the anticipation of gifts under the tree? If so, then you and I are one and the same this Christmas Eve. We are in a good place.

I am stretched on my leather chair beside an open log fire that crackles and snorts like a well fed pig. The smell of Christmas tree pine mingles softly with the warm notes of Aberlour whisky and a 5kg goose roasting in the oven. My daughters are getting ready to visit their grandparents, leaving me with Luci, our dog, who is lying snoring by my feet. They are good kids and please forgive my selfishness today, but this column is a gift for them, one I hope they will appreciate in years to come. I have a few things to tell them. A short list of advice they can either take or leave. Yet if there is only one thing they should heed from today’s column above all else, it’s this: Always wash in cold water. I don’t think there is any concrete medical evidence to suggest it makes a person’s life better, but trust me, your seasonal winter colds will become a thing of the past. And your heating bills will be considerably smaller.

Always, my dear children, have a dog in your home. They force you to interact with your natural environment and there is nothing as humbling as collecting the droppings of another species three times a day. Practice random acts of kindness whenever you can.

Send people cakes for no good reason. Listen to other people. Everyone has a story. There is no-one out there who hasn’t traveled a hard road. Ask them about it. Keep speaking Irish. And find someone who will teach you Silesian. You come from two of the most amazing places on the planet and this is how you will stay connected to Ireland and Silesia. And it’s great to have a secret language no-one else understands.

Never forget that you are not as ugly as you may sometimes think you are. You are not as fat as you might feel. But also remember that the compliment given by the charming guy at the bar, may not be true either.

Please, please do not stop coming to me with your troubles or your problems. I will always listen. I will help if you need me to. I want you to be happy. Don’t worry if you are gay. I secretly prefer the idea of having a daughter-in-law. Don’t worry if you don’t want children. It’s your life, not mine. Don’t worry if you aren’t married. Your mother and I will definitely need someone to look after us when we are old and blind and paranoid.

Don’t get too hung up on diets. They really aren’t the answer. No-one gives a shit about the cake you didn’t eat, but they will care about the smile you didn’t give them. Keep reading books. They are your secret weapon in the war against stupidity. By all means, use whatever kind of mobile device that is popular in twenty years time. But try and limit using it to twenty minutes a day. Do all your messages and browsing between 7pm and 7.20pm. Then move on to living your real life.

Have a poem you can recite. A joke you can tell. A song you can sing. If you can, try and stick with Bob Dylan. Yes, I know to you he sounds like a man who accidentally fell into a bear-trap, but it will all make sense when you are older. My favourite song is Visions of Johanna and it still makes me cry and laugh in equal measure.

Believe in God. Or Goddesses. Or Gods. Jesus is a good place to start. There are a few pagan Gods you might find useful. Cut out the middle-man. You don’t need anyone to help you believe in a higher power. Your grandfather was an atheist, so that’s okay too.

Take up an unpopular sport. Something solitary. Archery, or computer chess. Make time for yourself. You deserve to be weird. But please, remember to wash with cold water. This is key. And this is why we started doing it during Christmas 2020. Congratulations! You’ve had a twenty year head start!

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