Peadar de Burca: What do you keep in store for me?

Speaking of sickness, how is the COVID-19 situation? Is Silesia, as your government would have us believe, the epicenter of the disease, or is the virus merely confined to a maniac cult of subterranean mole-men who religiously gather around a mighty black rock and lick it in unfettered ecstasy? Miners eh? When will they realize that licking coal is not the done thing in civilized society – or even in uncivilized society? Still, from what I can gather, those strapping, well-paid, keepers of the flame of Silesia don’t seem to be that effected by the Coronavirus. So maybe I was wrong all along and coal is good for you.

Lastly though, I’d like to return to the thorny issue of Silesian culture – thorny for you, for me it’s always a joy to examine any preconceived notions a group of people may have about themselves. My PRACTICAL SILESIAN WIFE gets annoyed whenever I quiz her on Silesian habits, or customs, you know, the everyday things that distinguish you from your mortal enemies, The POLES. The PRACTICAL ONE’S annoyance stems from her giving me a list as long as your arm of Silesian practices. Then, when I point out that barely anyone in Silesia practices them, she gets angry. I can tell she’s angry because she’s holding a lump-hammer and telling our daughters to “make sure the doors are locked.”

Reading this, you are no doubt also feeling a little sting of anger, right there at the back of your neck, which can only be alleviated by dropping a tomato on my head. A tomato tied to a half-ton cement brick. Look, don’t get angry. This isn’t about Silesian autonomy, a movement which has as much gravitas as a Whatsapp group. I’m writing this to get your advice; where do I go for primary Silesian culture? Not for me, you understand. I have enough trouble getting to grips with my own rich and varied Irish culture. This is for my daughters. I genuinely want them to be immersed in Silesian values, right down to the noble female custom of growing fat while perched for six hours a day on a windowsill. My girls are sporty, so what can they play that is exclusively Silesian? Something thrillingly barbaric which compares to hurling or Gaelic football? How about music, could it be used as a gateway to access their heritage? My oldest plays the concertina, a staple instrument of the vast traditional Irish music scene. Alas when I looked up “Silesian music” online, I found “Silesian folk bands have not survived our times”

Why? What stopped you playing them? Yes, I know, the old story of woe, trainloads of Silesians were exported to Germany, and while it didn’t help, how did that stop the remainers from pickin up a fiddle or banging a tune out on an old tin drum? The Irish were starved to death by the English, a million dead, another million put on “Coffin” ships to America, but if anything this made us resist the Anglification of Ireland. What I really want is for all three girls to learn to speak Silesian. They can do it. After two years in Galway, attending an all-Irish language school, they speak competent Gaeilge, and read Irish language translation of Roald Dahl and David Walliams. I understand the government not putting Silesian on the curriculum – they hate you and everything to do with you – what I can’t understand is why you aren’t demanding it to be taught in schools? If your identity is so bloody precious to you, then fight for its survival.

Anyway, if there are any private language classes out there, let me know. You will have two new recruits in a month’s time. Perhaps we can come to some sort of arrangement – Irish lessons for Silesian – are there any takers?